The only thing I want for Christmas is...

They say some friends are for life. Well, I don't know whether I believe that or not. I have never been the "I'll die for friendship" kind of a person. I have always been impersonal and avoiding, always wanting that private space to be strictly private. And yet, when I think back, perhaps it would have been different had I not come across that one "friend" who changed my "lifescape" for good. He gave me hope, gave me the courage to try and trust people. He made me step out of my comfort zone. He almost made me believe that he would be around for good.

That, of course, is not possible. Nobody stays around forever. Everybody moves on. Everybody changes. And that is actually good. Life would become very constant if I had to make do with just one friend throughout. I would get bored.

But who doesn't like a bit of permanency? I did too. Eons ago.

There was a time when I used to dream of a home, somewhere on a quiet beach, where I would go strolling with him and our un-born child. Those dreams seem outright stupid and silly now.

There are times when I feel that I have been embittered by his departure. So much that it seeps into every relationship that I try to build. Or do I even try? I don't know. When I look around, I see people with greater sorrows, with greater reasons to be bitter. And yet, they are not. They are full of zest and enthusiasm. They have still not given up. They still build bridges not walls. And here I am, feeling bitter over trifles, things which would not even read in the "bitterness radar" if anything like that existed!

This is the Christmas season, for chrissake! And I am feeling anything but jolly! But why? It's all in my head, isn't it? I am the one looking for a reason to be unhappy. I am the one looking for a reason to be dissatisfied. I am the one looking for a reason to cry.

And quite possibly, I'm the only caught in a time wrap. Everybody else has moved on. Everybody except me.

The only thing I want for Christmas is a reason to be happy; and a wise heart to understand the love that exists around and within me.