Tuesday, September 29, 2009

In Wonderland. And wondering!

Confused___by_Mushy_Pea.jpg Confused image by Kalishnikov_19862005

Right now, I am feeling like Alice in Wonderland. Did I hear you say why? Well, mostly because I feel like I’ve fallen through a tunnel where I least expected to fit in, let alone fall through, and also because I feel like I am stuck. I am stuck in a world where I like the characters I see around me – I enjoy their jokes, I love analyzing their personalities, I like laughing at their idiosyncrasies – but deep down I know that I am not one of them. I could try all I could, but I would never be one of them.

I feel lost but am I really? Because I don’t know where I want to go! And like the old cat told Alice, if I don’t know where I am going, “It doesn’t really matter.” I could walk in any direction I wanted to for as long as I wanted but I still wouldn’t be lost because I didn’t know where I wanted to be in the first place!

Strange. Odd. Peculiar. Strange. Yes, that’s the right word. I feel like I am transcending to another phase, like this is just the in-between place. But what next? Am I going to the next phase at all? Or am I just feeling this way? And what is the next phase? Where to from here? Do I want to leave at all? No I don’t! I am comfortable here. I am fine. I have made my place, I know the people. No one bothers me. I am just fine. And yet this feeling of uneasiness, like gas in the tummy in a public place. You want to fart real bad but just can’t let go.

What is this that I am feeling, really? I feel like arriving somewhere – like I ought to, you know, ARRIVE, in the real sense of the word. But that never happens.

Am I low on self esteem? Don’t I trust myself? Am I scared that if I move out of my comfort zone I’ll fail miserably? Am I scared of setting foot in new territory?

Hell yes I am! It has taken a lot to build all this that I have now. I can’t throw it all away just like that. But why this nagging feeling like a task has been left half-done? Is there anything else that I am meant to be? Is there any place else that I ought to be in?

How do I get an answer to all of these? How do I get out of the tunnel? How did Alice get out of the tunnel?

Damn. I should have read the whole of Alice in Wonderland.


  1. you don't need to get out of the tunnel
    the tunnel needs to get out of you :-D