There are many things that I realized today, as I sat listening to my first carols of the year. I realized that a year has slipped by quietly, that I am still where I used to be and that nothing has changed.
And also that I have fallen in love.
Every time my thoughts wandered, I caught myself thinking about this seemingly unlikely and mostly impossible situation in which I have managed to get myself into.
Why did this have to happen now, when everything was going so smoothly, when I had decided that I was happy by myself?
Hasn’t the past taught me anything? Haven’t I learnt enough? Apparently not.
And yet, in a strange way, it makes me feel happy, in a sad and morbid kind of way. I am glad that I have not been embittered, that there is still hope that I might forgive myself for my mistakes, someday.
And yet, it scares me no end, the prospect of having to go through all of that again.
But it’s not necessary that things will take the same turn, isn’t it? This story might take a different turn – maybe a happy turn!
But can I dare to hope?
What if everything is lost even before something is won? What if it is really just another mistake that I’m making?
As Christmas draws nearer, and as I make place for my Lord to be born in my heart again, there is only one wish that I make – that the Lord takes control. Because He can never go wrong.
"Be still and know that I am God." ~ Psalms 46:10.