There are times when I wonder what I’d be without you. And if I’ll be able to find meaning in my existence without the assurance that in spite of it all, you are here.
And I wonder why it is that we met in the first place.
Everything has a purpose, right? At least I believe so. I believe that the universe has a plan. And that even if we wouldn’t have met the way we did, we would have met anyway – and we would have this, which we have, no matter what.
There are times when I am sh*t scared that you’ll just get up and leave; and at other times an uneasy calm takes over me and I decide to let things take their course.
Because I believe there’s a reason why we are here now; and no matter what we try to change, or not change, that which has to be will be.
Then there are times when I desperately want to hold your hand and hug you tight; when I so desperately want to hear your voice because it feels like I am disappearing into nothingness and you are the only one who can bring me back.
But I hold myself back.
I am scared stiff; I am petrified by the thought that you might not understand.
And I think of my shortcomings; of all the things I cannot be for you; of all that I’ll never be able to give you; and of how unfair it is that I expect things from you, knowing for sure that I will never be capable of returning them, ever.
And yet, I know – in some weird inexplicable way – that you are there; across the road, waving, looking out for me; making sure I am safe. I would give anything to be standing next to you. But I dare not cross the road. Because then, I’d be too close. And you’d see all that I’m not.
And yet, I want you on my side; by my side.
And I desperately wish we can both look back at this and laugh, when we are both old and grey. I desperately wish to believe that the past, the present and the future are actually happening simultaneously; and that somewhere in the future, we are with each other this very moment…
And yet I am scared to wish; because I am scared that wishing for it all might jinx it all. And this that we have – now – will also be lost.